“ELSIE can talk dirty, read lips, converse in Chinese, even communicate with dolphins. Hey, whatever gets you off, sicko.”
“Like sleeping with a corpse, but better!”
“She’s simply complex!”
ELSIE Unit Basic Measurements:
Height: 5’ 7” (Retractable heel attachments sold separately)
Weight: 120 lbs.
Bust: 33” (Saline inflator sold separately)
Waist: 26” (Lipid injector sold separately)
IN THE BOX
ONE Advanced Model ELSIE Unit
FIVE Specialized end effector attachments: grappling hook, sensual massager, blender, power drill, and hand cannon
TWO Vintage Scorbot ER III ® Robotic Grippers.
ONE 120 kW 400 VDC piezoelectric charging station. Your ELSIE unit can also charge up at any one of Tesla Motors ® 100 Model S Supercharger stations in North America or Europe.
ONE PyroMet ® Dry Graphite Fire Extinguisher
ONE Illustrated Quickstart Guide and Operations Manual
ONE Hazard Reduction and Containment Pod
FIVE Complete ELSIE Wear outfits (see below for details)
ONE Complete set of Defense Mode munitions (see below for details)
All ELSIE outfits are made to order! That’s right. When placing your order, simply select option 2 and you’ll be transferred to one of our automated fashion experts who’ll work with you to doll up your ELSIE in style. It’s that easy. No outfit is too extravagant or provocative for us – trust us, we’ve heard it all!
As an added bonus (and a great way to bond with your new ELSIE unit), flip the Gimme That switch on her shoulder control panel during the activation sequence and watch her come alive with an exciting and seemingly endless series of nonessential commodities she just can’t live without. Had enough? Annoyed? Ruined financially? Simply turn off the switch and presto, she’ll have no more needs! Shazam! Don’t you wish everyone was like ELSIE?
WEAPONS AND AMMUNITION FOR DEFENSE MODE
We here at Eidologue Labs know how important it is to feel safe and secure in the post-9/11 era. That’s why all of our ELSIE units come equipped with an intimidating array of advanced weapons and hardwired tactical algorithms guaranteed to protect you and your family from a wide range of enemies, foreign or domestic, real or imagined.
TWO Detachable Hand Cannon End Effectors
ONE HUNDRED .221 inch Remington Fireball Hand Cannon Cartridges
FIFTY .303 inch (7.7 mm) Hellfire Rimmed Hand Cannon Cartridges
FIFTY .200 inch Depleted Uranium Armor Piercing Hand Cannon Cartridges
ONE M202 Flame Assault Shoulder Rocket Launcher
TEN M235 Incendiary Rockets
TWO Non-Corrosive Hydrogen Cyanide Cannisters with Retractable Forearm Hoses
ONE Electrified Katana Blade
TWENTY SIX Lipophilic Alkaloid-Tipped Mouth Darts (use extreme caution when handling)
Do you like the idea of being a parent more than actually being one? Well you’re in luck. Because with Nanny-Bot activated, you’ll never have to be a responsible parent again!
Nanny-Bot features include: comprehensive bathing, no fuss diaper change, advanced potty training, gourmet meal preparation, playtime monitoring, immersive and interactive storytelling, tantrum containment, and much more!
NEW! All ELSIE units now come with a wide range of easily adjustable discipline settings, including: Raised By Wolves, Arrogant Entitlement, Homespun Hippie, Get Lost, There Really Is A Monster in Your Closet, 18th Century Corporeal Punishment, and Spartan Justice.
• Bathing is sometimes accomplished without removing the child’s clothing.
• On rare occasions, ELSIE’s built-in disgust inhibitors have failed, initiating hostile environment response mode. To avoid death or dismemberment, please ensure that your children do not belch, pass gas, pick their nose, soil their clothes, throw food, wear food, drool, spit, or play with their genitals in the presence of your ELSIE unit.
• On some occasions, a child’s refusal to consume meals has activated ELSIE’s tube-feeding function.
• Some ELSIE units have entered total war mode during playtime. Disabling defense mode before playtime is strongly advised.
• While in storytelling mode, some ELSIE units have reported a wrap-up of the week’s most violent or disturbing news stories instead of timeless children’s fables. On other occasions, happy endings have been replaced by real-world outcomes, resulting in bed wetting, nightmares, and permanent trauma in some children.
• The secure tuck function has reportedly experienced a minor glitch whereby ELSIE units have prepared children for commercial delivery instead of sleep. Please see the “Commercial Uses” section of your ELSIE manual for a simple 34-step algebraic procedure used to disable this feature.
Tired of watching your immodest girlfriend willfully engage in self-objectification for the benefit of total strangers? With Stay Classy-Bot enabled, you’ll never be involuntarily dragged into a bar fight over her reckless behavior again!
Stay Classy-Bot features include: being considerate, leaving something to the imagination, not flashing her breasts for drinks or beads, drinking responsibly, dressing in accordance with the weather forecast, having some dignity, dancing without twerking, grinding, or attempting to attract potential mates, and much much more!
NEW! With all eyes on me mode enabled, watch in disbelief as your ELSIE unit sets a good example by acting like a dignified lady!
• When blue baller prevention mode is set to maximum, some ELSIE units have attempted to physically remove the testicles of men within a 100 foot radius. However, this glitch only seems to occur when rival intimidator mode is also active. Disabling this feature is highly recommended.
• Although all ELSIE units come equipped with state-of-the-art organic processing tanks for converting food, beverages, and an assortment of recreational drugs into boundless energy, serving your unit any of the following substances may result in unsightly regurgitation: dirty tequila, bacon ice cream, bleu cheese, hot sauce in excess of 50,000 Scoville Units (see Operations Manual for a helpful chart), 4Loko, portobello mushrooms, bird nectar, McRib sandwiches, any menu item from Applebees, nutmeg, Mexican brick schwag, and human fetuses.
Is your sex life nonexistent, pedestrian, or uninspired? Are you fed up with trying to understand the difference between your spouse and a friend when you never have sex with either? Rest easy, friends. With Roxxy-Bot enabled, you’ll never have to buy hookers or clear your browser history of hardcore porn again!
Roxxy-Bot features include: Pretzel Love, for Olympic quality performance! Over 800 coital positions to choose from, many of them physically impossible for humans to perform; The Fetishizer, an adaptive learning program designed to accommodate all of your ridiculous and downright repulsive desires in a totally guilt-free way. Like Pee? Like poop? Well that’s fucking disgusting, but ELSIE doesn’t care, and neither do we; Crackhouse, for when you really want to make poor choices; and Deathwish, for the foolhardy daredevil in you (Note: to disengage Deathwish, repeat the following safe words: let’s make a baby).
Warning: If your ELSIE unit replies positively to the let’s make a baby command, please discontinue use of the unit immediately.
• Attempts to incorporate animals into sexplay results in the activation of hostile environment response mode 96.7% of the time. Please do not attempt to incorporate animals into sexplay. ELSIE loves animals, and so do we!
• The following catastrophic events have been reported by some customers (or their next of kin) during Deathwish mode: decapitation, castration, smothering, bludgeoning, third degree burns, cyanide poisoning, coerced suicide, vertigo, water torture, drowning, seizures, electrocution, spontaneous combustion, flaying, scaphism, grievous bodily injury not otherwise specified, and acute radiation syndrome.
Grown tired of having to walk to the fridge to retrieve a beer? Disappointed by your partners’ reluctance to remove the crust from your sandwiches before serving them to you? Annoyed by the irony of all that dust building up on your vacuum cleaner? Well, fuck all that, because Ball-and-Chain-Bot is here!
Ball-and-Chain-Bot features include: timely completion of laundry without discoloration, shrinkage, or bleach spots; expertly folded clothes, symmetrical towel stacking, and socks bundled together like Nazi hand grenades; dishwashing that gives preferential treatment to beer and coffee mugs; home cooked meals that never once involve your microwave; predictive beer delivery; clothes-free vacuuming; gourmet sandwich preparation and precision crust removal; and accurate, real-time responses to non-verbal gestures such as pointing at something that needs to be done in a deliberately dramatic fashion.
• Some ELSIE units have experienced a bug that has affectionately been referred to as the “once it’s done, it stays done” phenomenon. This glitch has caused some ELSIE units to violently prevent their owners from ruining completed housecleaning and other tasks. Known catalysts for this response include: tossing a single potato chip on a recently vacuumed carpet and telling ELSIE she missed a spot; putting out a cigarette in a bowl of partially eaten mashed potatoes and then leaving it in the kitchen sink or on the floor next to the toilet; and slapping your ELSIE unit’s rear-end manifold when she bends down to do anything for any reason whatsoever. As a precaution, always test your ELSIE unit first before shitting all over her various accomplishments. If performing any of these actions provokes a hostile response from your ELSIE unit, please contact Customer Care, your local police department, or the National Guard immediately.
For all your no-nonsense personal assistant needs!
Downer-Bot features include: Punching Bag, for when you need to falsely project your failures onto someone who’ll just sit there and take it; Muscle Milk, for when you need someone to plan and enforce an unrealistic exercise regimen without mocking you after you inevitably give up; False Optimism, for when you desperately need someone to inflate your mediocre accomplishments and distract you from your much greater failures; and Spin Cycle, for when you need someone to justify anything without sufficient cause!
• On rare occasions, ELSIE units operating in Muscle Milk mode have suggested suicide as a reasonable alternative to exercise. This appears to be an emergent behavior similar to “sarcasm” in humans. Owners are strongly advised not to heed this advice, no matter how much sense it makes at the time, unless it takes place during Deathwish mode in the Roxxy-Bot program.
• Some ELSIE units have reportedly procured steroids and other performance enhancing drugs while operating in Muscle Milk mode. If the owner refused treatment, Spin Cycle mode was activated, resulting in gross physical deformities 97% of time.
OPTIONAL PERSONALITY AND PERFORMANCE SOFTWARE
Scarred For Life!
Does your ELSIE unit seem a little bit too perfect? Well with Scarred for Life! you can effortlessly instill in her a wide range of fears and irrational phobias guaranteed to make you feel a lot less like a pussy in comparison!
“I used to feel like such a fucking schmuck every time I got wigged out by spiders in my basement but ELSIE didn’t. But with Scarred for Life! we both lose our minds and run away! Hell, she even drilled an escape passage from the basement to the backyard. Take that, fear!
Our most popular upgrade! Kinkette is a versatile program that includes the following applications: Rough Love, Put It Where?!, The Soul Crusher, Milk the Cow, What the Fuck is Wrong With You?, and The Total Humiliator. That’s six programs for the price of one!
“I’ve been in the intensive care unit for about two weeks now, and I have no regrets. Not a one. Once they reattach my penis and forearms, I’ll be back at it with ELSIE again!”
Suck at life? Well not anymore with the Handy-Bot upgrade! Never pay for plumbing, landscaping, accounting, home improvement, car repair, lawnmowing, pest control, résumé writing, spelling, math, or any other rudimentary skill you were too busy dicking around to learn in your formative years! She’ll do it all – and better yet, you can take all the credit!
“Ever since I installed the Handy-Bot upgrade, I’ve become the envy of the entire neighborhood. Can’t say I blame them. It’s not every day you see an eight-story hedge maze in someone’s front yard. Best part is: curious kids go in to play, but they never come out. Fuck yeah ELSIE, fuck yeah.”
Paranoid much? Well, not anymore with Sleep Easy. Protect your home and family with this formidable defensive upgrade. Send burglars, vandals, and the US government a clear message: stay off my property or be eviscerated by ELSIE and her army of 20 semi-autonomous quadricopter patrol bots (included with the upgrade!). Sleep well every night knowing ELSIE is in command of your perimeter defenses. In addition to her standard built-in arsenal, this upgrade arms ELSIE with the following munitions: 10 laser-guided smart bombs, 2 attachable optical x-ray cannons, 1 shoulder-mounted M132 Armored Flamethrower, 16 proximity mines, 2 barrels of Napalm B, and a 100 pound electrified mace for decisive close quarter combat. Best of all, in the unlikely event that your perimeter is breached, ELSIE will automatically initiate the Balls to the Wall protocol, incinerating everything in a 20-mile radius of your home! That’s amazing!
“Everyone I know is dead!”
This adorable upgrade allows your ELSIE unit to build and manage her very own collection of pet-bots! Watch in abject terror as ELSIE accelerates the process of evolution, creating innovative robotic monstrosities and cyborg abominations from the entrails of your enemies.
“At first I thought ELSIE was just building a housecat. Boy was I surprised when I came home to find a pride of firebreathing robot lions devouring my entire family.”
Literally get away with murder by programming your ELSIE to take the fall for you! If that doesn’t work, pull up a chair and make some popcorn as ELSIE mounts a spirited and deadly accurate defense of your freedom! Still going to jail? SWAT team making their move? Well it sucks to be them, because with the Smoking Crater failsafe enabled, just pull the flashing ripcord on the back of your ELSIE unit and it’s Hiroshima all over again!
“So far, I’ve burned down three houses and a church, stole my neighbors’ new car, and mailed ricin to all of my former high school teachers. But I’ll tell you what, when the police showed up at my house and saw ELSIE standing guard surrounded by a yard full of blinking proximity mines and 20 armed quadricopters hovering perilously close overhead, well let’s just say my math teacher better open his mail wearing a biohazard suit for the forseeable future.”TOTALLY TURNED ON BY ALL THIS AWESOME? HAVE A HANKERING FOR SOME FEMBOT ACTION? WELL WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?! CALL NOW AND ORDER YOUR OWN ELSIE UNIT TODAY!! CALL NOW! + 672 438 35743
ONE ELSIE (AMF) UNIT $ 99999.99
SOFTWARE UPGRADES $ 5525.00 each
AVAILABILITY SOLD OUT!
✈︎ DELIVERY ELSIE DELIVERS HERSELF!
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